


Moo, Bloody Moo!

by IcarusTwin



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcarusTwin/pseuds/IcarusTwin
Summary: What might have happened after Life in the Freezer had Bernie found the courage . Less angsty with a smidgeon of fluffy stuff.





	1. Chapter 1

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid Cow…” Bernie Wolfe railed as she banged her head on her steering wheel. “What have you just done, you idiot”  
She thought for a moment about getting out of her car and walking straight back into AAU and rewinding the scene. She had done everything wrong. Again. How could she be so stupid, every time she tried to do the ‘Right Thing’ she did exactly the opposite? But she couldn’t walk back in, everyone had seen her leave, everyone had seen the scene and she didn’t want to make things worse for Serena, she would be feeling dreadful enough as it was. So she did the Wrong Thing again. She drove out of the hospital and away from the thing she wanted most of all, just because, well she tried to do things the right way.

Bernie drove into the city and went west, headed out toward the river and the bridge. She had often driven out there over the summer and parked up and sat in her car to mull over everything, listening to the radio and looking up into the night sky, it helped her clear her head and frankly she didn’t have anything better do once she had moved out; she had either been working or the odd nights in Albies with Serena, but the rest of the time she was alone with just the prospect of a being cooped up in her hotel room.

She watched the sunset and tried to make sense of the day’s events. By now she should have been getting ready for dinner and finally spending the night with Serena, something she had sat out here and imagined so many times. How could it all have gone so wrong in the space of a few hours? What would have happened if Hanssen hadn’t offered her the secondment, would they be together by now or would they just have carried on dancing round each other? Bernie hadn’t wanted to rush things but Serena was so keen it had petrified her and now she had pushed her away and didn’t know why. She needed to let Serena know that it wasn’t her; it was Bernie afraid that if she rushed in it would ruin everything. But how? She daren’t phone her, and she deserved more than few lines of a text. 

She sat for a couple of hours listening to the radio and thinking about what she would say if she could find a way and as it started to get cold decided to head back down to the city. 

 

 

Serena locked herself in her office, head in hands and railed at herself “Stupid, stupid woman. What have I done, I’ve driven her away, I came on too strong.” She exhaled and swallowed down the tears “I know what I want and I’ve lost it, Bernie I know exactly what I want, it’s you, you stupid bloody woman!” 

She sat in the office for at least a couple of hours until she was sure everyone had gone from the day shift and headed out through the fire exit, walked to her car and drove home.

When she got home Jason, who had come back early from his break was waiting for her. “Hello Auntie Serena, are you ok?”

“Actually Jason, I’m not, do you mind if I just go upstairs for a while? I’ve had a really bad day today” She couldn’t tell him what was wrong and really didn’t want to make small talk.

“Ok. What happened, did somebody die?”

“Actually yes someone did die, and it was terribly sad…”

“I was terribly sad when my mum died, so I understand. Was it a woman that died?” 

Serena sighed, Jason sometimes needed to talk and perhaps it would distract her from the real reason. “Yes it was Jason, she was very poorly and we couldn’t help her any more so we had to make sure she was comfortable. Sometimes it was all Doctors could do, we can’t save everybody”

“Did she have children?” 

Serena was distracted, “what sorry yes she has…had… 2 children, a boy about your age and a girl the same age as Elinor” 

“Oh that’s sad, and where is she now?” Jason always asked difficult questions about death as he still tried to understand the process since his mum had died.

“She’s gone Jason, gone to a cold place, where maybe one day she might come back from if things turn out right.” Serena blurted out.

Jason looked puzzled, Serena wasn’t really in the mood to try and explain CryoRegeneration and thought she better not start. “She will be in the hospital morgue, in a fridge until the funeral” 

“Oh ok, that’s what happened to mum too” Satisfied nothing unusual had happened Jason went back to the TV and Serena headed up to her room.

She sighed. How could today have gone so wrong, they were supposed to having dinner and … although Jason’s early return might have scuppered her plans. Bernie confused her, tied her up in knots again. Damn bloody Hanssen, why did he have to offer her the secondment? Why did she want to go? Serena tied herself in more knots as she went over and over the day’s events. Bernie had kissed her, again, said she wanted it, but then when Serena responded she pushed her away. Again. Bloody Bernie Wolfe. 

Serena decided she wasn’t willing to let her just walk away, she had to try and make her understand that she did know what she wanted, but how? She didn’t want to phone her because talking didn’t always work with Bernie. A text wouldn’t do either. She reckoned that Bernie would still have her work email address until midnight if not longer so got out her laptop and tried to write something and send it before it was too late.  
Serena stared at her laptop screen, trying to find the right words, starting and deleting the message over and over. She looked at the clock, it was nearly 11pm, she thought the hospital IT system servers might shut down so needed to get something down and send it. “Oh to hell with it, she thought just write it…”

She finished the email and pressed send at 10.59pm.

 

 

Bernie drove around the streets and when she found a parking space pulled up and parked. She turned off her lights and sat back into her seat and looked across the road, checking to see if the lights were still on, it was nearly midnight and most of the houses were in darkness and the house she was looking at was too. She reached down onto the passenger seat and took a card from the bag and her pen and began to write. 

Serena  
I am so sorry.  
I didn’t want to leave like this. I know you don’t want me to go but I think it will give us both some space to decide what we do want.  
I don’t want to hurt you, you have been the most supportive friend I have ever had and I don’t deserve you, please try and understand how hard this is for me. Everything has just happened so quickly.  
I will write to you when I get settled.

Hope you will stay in touch.  
Bernie

She wrote on the envelope and picked up the large bouquet of flowers from the floor, got out of her car and walked across to the darkened house and quietly up to the porch. She put the flowers and the card by the door and quickly left and returned to her car.

She checked her the time on her phone, 00.03 am and as she did, noticed the email message flashing on screen, she looked at it ‘23.01 pm Campbell, S Ms. Subject: Secondment Leave.’ 

She didn’t dare open it and drove away. 

 

 

At 6.30 am Serena padded downstairs and made herself a coffee, Jason still asleep. She went to the front door to bring in the milk and as she picked up the bottle she noticed some flowers. She picked them up and saw a card with the familiar stiff script on the front. She shook her head and choked back a tear as she read the card. Then she saw the car across the road and walked over to see Bernie curled up asleep in the front seat, condensation obscuring her face. For a moment she thought about leaving her there, but curiosity got the better of her and she gently tapped on the window. Bernie woke with a start, and was shocked to see Serena standing there in her dressing gown.  
She opened the door sheepishly, as Serena just looked at her and gestured to her “come on, coffee?” 

Bernie followed her in cautiously, feeling stupid that Serena had caught her outside, she had intended to go but after opening the email she had driven back and ended up falling asleep outside the house. 

“Don’t tell me you spent the night out there?” Serena said as she avoided looking at her as she poured the coffees.

Bernie nodded and took the coffee “I must have fallen asleep, it was very late” 

“Apparently. And why were you parked outside my house?” 

“I dropped those off. Then I read your email. I wanted to take that back” she pointed at the card, “and add something, but I must have fallen asleep before I did” Bernie nervously rubbed her very stiff neck.

“Hmmm” Serena avoided looking at her. “Go and get a shower, I’ll make some breakfast, I take it you are going today?”

“Yes.” Bernie said quietly.

“Upstairs, on the right, use my ensuite. Don’t wake Jason.”

Bernie came back down to the kitchen 10 minutes later, Serena was stirring a pot of scrambled eggs and put some toast on a plate and a couple of glasses of orange juice on the table. She didn’t look at Bernie “Eggs ok?”  
“Great thanks” 

“Thought you might want something decent before you head out, before you end up living on Borscht and Vodka”

She sat down opposite Bernie with the flowers now in a vase between them. 

They both ate in silence. 

“When do you start? 

“Monday 3rd,” 

“How’s your Ukrainian then? “

“Not as good as my Afghan, and that’s pretty bad!” she smiled weakly, “but their English is very good and there will be a translator” 

“I could bloody kill Hanssen right now “ 

“I know, I am really sorry but maybe it will be good, things have got a bit intense recently. I mean everything, not just us, Fletch; lets you spend some time with him and then there’s Jason.” 

“It’s not Fletch I want to spend time with; and Jason, well, I love him dearly but we are not exactly equals when it comes to conversation”

“Serena…” “What? 

“I do realise how you feel now, and I want to feel the same but…”

“You don’t?”

“I’m not ready for this, I need more time. Of course I have feelings for you…but” 

“Feelings … but?”

“I’m very fond of you, ok I care about you and I do… and I find you incredibly attractive…”

“But that’s not enough?”

“No, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I just think if we rush in to something and it doesn’t work then we are both going to get even more hurt”

“So you are willing to take a risk by going to an unstable region again but not with me?”

“No! It’s not the same thing. I know what I’m doing in Trauma Surgery I’m clueless when it comes to love. I’m a romantic disaster area.” 

“Oh and I’m not? I have more failed relationships that you, but I’m still willing to try – maybe this is my chance of – no more Mr. Wrong hello Ms. Right?”

“And if I turn out to be Ms. Wrong? “

“Well we won’t know unless we try will we? Rather Ms. Wrong than Ms. Could Have Been The One But I Let The Opportunity Go”

Bernie shook her head and smiled at Serena “You are so bloody brave and fearless; I wish I had half of your courage, Braveheart Campbell”

Serena smiled weakly at her and reached her hand across the table, “yes but you won’t catch me going to war, not for all the Borscht and Vodka in Ukraine” 

Bernie stood up and walked around to Serena and wrapped her arms around her. “I wish I was the big macho army medic you think I am.” 

Serena stood up and looked at her before putting her arms around her neck “you will always be my big macho army medic, I suspect there couldn’t be another one of you, and I wouldn’t want to know if there were. It’s you Major Wolfe, just you for me “ 

Serena pulled Bernie’s face to hers and kissed her again, long, passionate and fearless and Bernie let her, she stopped trying to resist and gave in to Serena’s insistent mouth.

“Morning Auntie Serena, oh Bernie…?” as Jason walked in and they quickly pulled apart trying to look like they hadn’t been caught behind the bike sheds”

Oh…morning Jason. Err we were …” “Hi Jason” Bernie interrupted her.

“You looked like you were kissing; do you both kiss girls then?”

“Well I do, I was just saying goodbye as I’m going away for a bit” Bernie tried to explain. “Shall I kiss you goodbye too? “ 

“Eeeew no! Anyway I’ve already got a girlfriend so I don’t want to kiss you” as he quickly left the kitchen.

Serena rolled her eyes and sighed “Great, that’s all I need” and half smiled at Bernie, who returned the smile, “I thought he took it quite well considering”.

“Yes but you are not going to be bloody here to deal with all his questions.” She looked down again as Bernie closed her eyes “tell him it was just me and he can ask everything he wants when I come back, if that’s what you want?” 

“You know it’s what I want, you just need to work out if it’s what you want” Serena said quietly “and if you have to go away to decide then so be it. I’ll still be here when, if you decide to come back. I suppose it makes me a fool but we know that already.” She turned to face the window and avoided Bernie’s gaze. “Ball is in your court now Major, I’ve put all my cards on the table, But if you decide it isn’t me you want then maybe you need to find somewhere else to go back to. I won’t be toyed with. Do you understand?” and she swallowed hard as she tried to convince herself that she could play the game and call Bernie’s bluff.

“Yes, I do and I won’t, you have my word on that, I promise you.”

“I trust you to honour your words Major Wolfe” 

“Yes Ms Campbell Ma’am, my word is my oath.”

“I will hold you to that. And remember holding grudges is my favourite hobby. Be warned Wolfe!”  
The two women looked at each other, still angry, still hurting, but salvaging something from the wreckage. Their friendship, the bond between them was stronger than both had realised and neither was ready to completely break it. They would test it, would stretch it, but both hoped that it was strong enough to endure the time apart.


	2. Out Of Office

Serena headed up to the 5th Floor, it was late and all the lights were off but she had been up there so many times she could easily find her way in the dark. It was well after 10pm and no-one was around on the deserted floor so she wasn’t concerned that anyone would notice her. 

She had been in her office since the end of her shift working on clearing the pile of files that Bernie had left in her wake, and as she wasn’t technically working she had opened the emergency bottle of wine she kept in her drawer, the one she had replaced this morning having finished it the night before .  
She wasn’t drunk, just a little tired, she never drank too much and had good tolerance of alcohol , although maybe she had been drinking more frequently since Bernie had …left her… gone to Kiev.  
It had been over 2 weeks and she thought she would feel better by now, but she was feeling worse. The fact she wasn’t sleeping well and was waking early in the morning feeling wretched until she had at least 3 cups of strong coffee wasn’t helping, and that she hadn’t heard anything from Bernie apart from a text saying she had arrived in Kiev a day after she had left. 

She found the door to Hanssen’s office, it was locked but she had the keys, accessible to her still from security where she still held some clout as the former Deputy CEO. She went in and headed for his desk and looked through the drawers for the filing cabinet keys, which were exactly where she knew they would be. She opened the locked drawers and looked through the files, there it was – Wolfe, Berenice G. and she took the file out. 

Although she had worked with Bernie she had never seen her personnel file, she had been aware of her appointment and had agreed with the Board that she was an opportunity not to be missed when they discussed her initial application after her discharge from the Hospital following her surgery. She opened it nervously and leafed through the forms, stopping to look at her ID and security form which had a small photo attached, the same one on Bernie’s ID pass which was in the file. She ran her finger along the photo and whispered “Oh Bernie, Bernie” before picking up her security pass and putting it in her pocket. 

She carried on looking through the file until she found what she was looking for, the faxes and transfer information to Kiev, which had all the contact details for the hospital Bernie had decamped to. She went to the printer and copied all the pages she needed and returned the sheets to the file, then sat down and began to look through it. She read the Army Discharge papers, the Medical handover describing the IED attack and her injuries, and saw the glowing references from the RAMC. 

She felt like she was reading Bernie’s diaries but she was so desperate to find some small scrap of the woman that she broke all her professional boundaries and read them anyway. There was nothing remarkable, no deep secrets, just confirmation and the details of everything she already knew, and she justified herself by the fact that had it been a normal appointment she would have been part of the selection panel, so would have had access to the file anyway and would have seen all the paperwork.

She picked up the file and held it close to her chest and then put it back in the drawer with a sad sigh. She locked the cabinet, picked up the papers and left the office and took the keys back down to the night security office at 10.45pm and headed home.

 

Before she got into bed she took Bernie’s ID pass from her pocket and put it on her bedside table, and traced the outline of her photo with her finger, before picking it up and slipping it under her pillow, as she turned out the light on another day.


	3. Out of Office 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanssen's office is trashed and Serena comes face to face with Robbie again ...

As Serena walked into AAU to start her early shift she was met by an animated looking Raf , “Serena, all hell’s let loose upstairs, there’s been a break –in, Hanssen’s office has been ransacked and he is nowhere to be found , the Board want all Senior management up there .”

“What? When was this?” and she started to panic, she knew she wasn’t responsible but she had been up there a few nights ago and she suddenly felt guilty.

“Well they think sometime over the weekend, Hanssen was last in on Thursday” Serena recalled it was Thursday night when she had gone up, Security would possibly remember her taking the keys so she needed to make sure she was covered, if she was the last person in there. 

She headed up to the 5th floor to be met by Ric Griffin, Jac Naylor and Guy Self, along with two of the Board members. 

“Do we know what’s happened?” She asked cautiously. Ric looked up at her “no idea, looks like someone broke in and has just vandalised it” as she looked around at the smashed computer screen and papers strewn everywhere. Thankfully the filing cabinet drawer looked untouched although the desk drawers had been emptied. “Broke in?” Serena asked, feeling uncomfortable. “Yes, the lock’s been forced” She exhaled quietly, thankful that she hadn’t left the office unlocked. 

“Ok we need to decide who is going to deal with this” Ric asserted. “Serena why don’t you and I deal with the Board and the Police, Jac you could try and track Hanssen down … Guy?” Self looked at Griffin, there was no love lost between the two men “I’ve got a full theatre list so I could do without this…” “Haven’t we all” Jac snapped. 

“Ok, we just all need to calm down “Rik said firmly, “can we just agree for once?” “Yes, Rik’s right,” Serena chipped in, “Guy you go if you need to, we can manage this, if we need you then we can call you later” Self left and the 3 Surgeons relaxed a little, their rivalries less when the he wasn’t there. 

Jac looked at them, “can I go too, I’ll dig out Hanssen’s contacts and see what I can find.” Rik and Serena looked at each other, and nodded in agreement, “Yes fine, keep us in the loop” 

Rik glanced at Serena, she had kept a low profile since they had last spoken in Albies and he was concerned. “Bit of shock that Bernie has left?” Serena avoided his gaze, “are you ok?” 

“No, but I will live, I have survived worse” she replied tersely making clear she didn’t want to talk about it. Rik glanced at her again and carried on surveying the mess in the office. 

“What do you think has happened here, Henrik wouldn’t have done this?” 

“Surely not, he wouldn’t have broken into his own office?” Serena replied, trying to avoid any further eye contact with Rik. 

“Why don’t I go and talk to the Board and you stay here and wait for the Police to come up and start investigating, they will probably need to sweep this and start interviewing us all?” Rik suggested, as he gauged Serena would be better left on her own rather than face the Board’s undoubted scrutiny. 

“Yes, and thanks, Rik.” He smiled gently at her and left to face the Board’s questions. 

 

Serena looked around the devastated office, for a moment she imagined the rage that someone might have felt to cause such damage and shuddered as she thought that she could have done it given how angry she was at Hanssen for offering the secondment, if he hadn’t, Bernie would still be here and they, now might be, lovers.

 

Voices outside brought her back to the present, an overalled SoCO talking to a Police officer as he walked in - it was Robbie Medcalf.  
He saw her and immediately walked over, his eyes lit up “Hey, Serena” 

“Robbie” she said awkwardly, she hadn’t thought of him much in the last few months as she had slowly become captivated by Bernie. 

“How are you, it’s good to see you” he said as he moved towards her, making Serena feel cornered as she realised the wall and cabinets were behind her and he was between her and the door.

“Fine.” She said abruptly. 

“So what’s happened here, any ideas?” he asked.

“I thought that’s what you were here to find out”. 

“Looks like a break in, no idea why, or who might have done it? I thought you had your finger on the pulse round here?”

“Not any more, I stepped down from the Board.”

“Oh. Why?” he questioned her. 

“Jason. I had to reassess my priorities; I decided he was more important than managing here” 

“Aah and how is he?” 

“He is doing well now, we have settled in to a routine and I enjoy having him around. I made the right decision” she said firmly.

“Look, Serena, about that, about us. Maybe I was a bit hasty and I tried to rush you into things, I just wanted us to be together and I didn’t think it through enough” he tried to explain, “it would have been good for us, and Jason, it could be good for him to have a man around to keep him on the rails, some authority, a role model, he never had a father did he?” 

Serena, gritted her teeth, the last time Robbie had talked to Jason , he had terrified the boy as he aggressively questioned him and showed no regard for his vulnerability, Jason had confessed he didn’t like Robbie much after that and Serena wasn’t willing to expose him to anymore macho bullshit. Then she recalled how well Bernie had communicated with Jason, she was patient, accepting and always kind to him, and he liked her in return, they worked well together. 

“No Robbie, Jason is settled, we are settled and I don’t want to disrupt that, I offered him a home and made him a promise. I won’t break that, he doesn’t cope well with change, he needs stability”

“That’s exactly it” he dug in “it could be a way to help him deal with stuff better, toughen him up a bit…”

“Robbie. You made it clear, you made your choice; and Jason doesn’t need ‘toughening up’ he isn’t sensitive, he has Asperger’s, it’s not a personality flaw, it is who he is and we accept him”

“Come on , Ree, we were good together” as he moved in closer and made her feel trapped as he put his hands on her waist and moved his face towards hers. She hated ‘Ree’ and stiffened against his presence. “We had fun didn’t we, it was good, I’ve missed it” as he pressed in to her, forcing his mouth against hers and attempting a heavy clumsy wet kiss. She flinched away, his face was rough, his stubble and teeth grating against her lips and his tongue violating her closed mouth, and made her want Bernie’s shy soft tender kisses even more.

“Robbie! Stop!” She said firmly as she put her hands on his arms and pushed him away. 

He looked at her stunned, “What? What’s wrong, you couldn’t get enough of me last time” he snapped.

“I’m sorry Robbie, I don’t want this, and certainly not in here and you are on duty, boundaries!”

He eyed her suspiciously, wondering if there was someone else, for her to reject his advances so stridently. “Ok. So I need to know who has access to this office, and anyone who might have a reason to break in – a grudge against Hanssen, where is he?” Robbie said coolly as he returned to his professional manner.

She looked away, “I have no idea.” 

“I have already checked the Security records, you had the keys. Why would that be? If you are no longer Hanssen’s deputy?”

Serena needed to start thinking quickly “I had to get some information about a previous member of staff, contact details so I could follow up a patient” she contrived.

“Oh, at 10 o’clock at night? That urgent, couldn’t it wait?”

“No, I was signing off a particularly complex case and I needed her to verify it” 

“Why? Couldn’t you just phone or email?” 

“No she has left the hospital and moved overseas.” His eyes narrowed, as he sensed some awkwardness in Serena’s statement. “Why, some sort of incident? Who’s she” 

“No, a secondment, Ms. Wolfe, Berenice Wolfe. Is this really relevant it won’t have anything to do with her?”

“Just lines of enquiry” “Wolfe, you say? Didn’t she have a run in with a couple of our PCs in your department recently?” 

“I don’t think so.” 

“Yes, bolshie, tried to stop them interviewing witnesses in a hit and run. She’s the dyke too if I recall, pushy, always pulling rank?”

“What? Robbie that is not acceptable language here.”

“Whatever, dyke, lezzer, we have lots of them in the force. She got outed on the wards; one of our PCs overheard it when they were called in on a case. Sounds like a right tartar!”

Serena creased up inside, how dare he, he didn’t have the first clue about Bernie, and his language and tone repulsed her even more.

“Ms. Wolfe is an excellent surgeon; her personal life has no bearing on that.”

“Oh you know her well then? Worked closely with her?”

“Yes we were Co leaders on AAU Trauma, and I would vouch for her, I really don’t believe this has anything to do with her” Serena snapped defensively.

Robbie picked up on her tone “so what happened, why did she leave suddenly then, some sort of scandal?” 

Serena squirmed inside and Robbie detected her unease “What did she make a play for you? “ he smirked “and you sent her packing ?”

“No of course not, she is not that kind of person, she is a good friend and …” as a curious look snaked across his face

“You fancied her… oh my God. Well that figures now, why you aren’t interested in me. You fancy her and she’s done a runner.”

Serena tensed up and felt a flush rise up into her chest; she was incensed at his tone and his reading of her emotions. Her body language and silence told him all he needed to know for an admission of guilt.

He sneered at her “well I wouldn’t have had you down as lesbian so she must have turned your head then, although now I think of it, that would account for a lot” as he looked her up and down.

“Have we finished here?” Serena snapped at him. “I have work to do “

“Yes I think we have, I will get back to you if we need any statements, as he motioned to the SoCO who was examining the door to go into the office.

As he left he turned, looked at her and whispered “Oh if your Wolfe friend ever turns up and you fancy a threesome you know where I am” and smirked at her lecherously. 

He passed Rik on the way out who walked in and saw Serena standing stony faced, he recognised Robbie and realised that there had been some sort of exchange.

“Everything ok Serena?” “Fine.” He knew from her tone and her avoiding eye contact it wasn’t.

“Listen, why don’t we go for a drink later, I could do with one after today” he asked. 

They hadn’t really talked since she had told him she had feelings for Bernie, she needed to talk to someone and thought Rik was a good as anyone so she agreed. “Ok, Albies, later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written as part of Ch 2 but held back . As Robbie seems to be looming on the horizon thought it was time to put him in place. No love lost here!


End file.
